Pacifier.... O how I loath you

So it has been a long time since I wrote, but I decided to try to do more frequent updates, to help me remember what is going on with these two crazy lovely kiddos that I have.

My oldest, my daughter is two, well really almost three. Wow I can't believe how fast time flies. A while ago we had taken her pacifier, which is known as pie at our house, away except at night time. Well then about two weeks ago we decided to bite the bullet and take it completely away. Overall I would say she is doing well, however our once easy to put to sleep child now has an at least 30 minute bedtime routine.

It goes something like this.
P: I don't want to go to bed.
P: I just need a sip of water, just a sip.

Me: If I get you a sip of water will you go to bed?

P: uh huh

(after sip of water)

P: Cuddle me, Cuddle me, Cuddle me (in a louder and louder voice)

  Me: ok I will cuddle you for two minutes then it is time to go to bed. (after two minutes)

P: Cuddle me longer

Me: P it is time to go to bed

. P: Stands up and SCREAMS until she finally wears her self out and goes to sleep.

I love being her mother, sometimes I just don't know how to help her transition. She is such a sweet spirit and such an incredible big sister to her little brother.

That is all for today,

Amanda

Want a new washer or dryer?

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Go check it out

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I personally would love a new washer or dryer as mine are at least 15 years old....

WOW

How Time flies.... I don't think anybody reads my blog anyway, but I thought it was time to get back to it. Our sweet sweet Princess is about to be five months old! She is such a blessing! We do plan to have more kids so I decided to make a list of my favorite things and the things we didn't really need!

LOVED:
Pack-N-Play-C.hicco
The Swing just don't order it from Wal.Mart online!!
Swaddle Blankets

DIDN'T NEED:
B.umbo


I will add more later as I can think of them

We are pregnant......15 weeks and 4 days to be exact

I can't believe we have made it out of the first trimester. All the thanks has to go straight up to God, We are having a baby. WOW. It has been different this time around with the first two we told everyone right away, this time well I am about to be 16 weeks and am just now sharing. I have been so sick, but I won't complain if it means that I am going to have a healthy baby I will throw up everyday with a smile on my face. We have heard the heartbeat four times now most recently this past Friday. We are both just so excited and so thankful that God answered our prayers!

I want it too...

Once again it has been awhile, I don't know why I don't write on here more often maybe it is perhaps I am afaid of being judged, but in all honesty I am not caring about that any more. I need to get my feelings out. In so many ways I am so blessed and I remind myself of these things everyday. I have a wonderful husband, and great family, good friends, a job, and above all an AMAZING GOD.

BUT

I struggle still on a daily basis with losing my baby, yes it has been over a year, yes I was early in pregnancy, but until you have been there don't judge. You don't know the pain the heartache. My heart breaks for everyone out there who has suffered a loss the pain is almost unbearable, how anyone could do it with out God is unknown to me.

Today started out great, wonderful morning with my husband, then I went with my MIL to ho.bby l.obby and I guess I saw one too many pregnant people there. It comes in waves I will be doing so good and then have a bad day and well today my emotions were everywhere. What most people don't understand is I am so happy for every pregnant person I know and everyone I see, truly happy to the depth of my core, but I want it too!! is that so much to ask for? I know God has a perfect timing and I feel that timing is close and I strongly dislike me being so envious of all the bumps I see. So ball all that up and you get a load of fun. I can't wait to have a little Wyatt or Paisley but I am waiting on you Lord, your perfect timing, please make it soon....

Will I ever be "HER" again?

Will I ever be blissfully innocent, not knowing what deep pain it is to lose.

Will I ever get to be pregnant again without worry, will I ever get to enjoy the first trimester and the morning sickness.

Will I ever get to watch an sonogram with out thinking, Dear God, please let there be a heart beat.

Will I ever make it to 20weeks and find out if it is a boy or a girl.

Will I ever get to watch my belly jump and get kicked in the ribs.

Will I ever feel so miserable and ready to get this baby out of me.

Will I ever get to deliver a beautiful baby and hold it in my arms.

Will I ever get to raise a child that I held in my womb for nine months.

Will a day ever go by without me thinking of the two I lost.

Will a day pass that I don't think about anything baby.

Will I ever be back to me, with no worries or cares.

I think the new me is here to stay. The battle scars across my heart may fade but they will never go away. Those of you who are pregnant or have children cherish it; each kick in the ribs, each trip to the bathroom, each late night feeding. Know that a baby is a miracle. I know and believe that God will give me a child, I know he will give me the desires of me heart. I know that he is an AWESOME GOD, and I know that he is in control of everything. I also know that he gave me a wonderful man to stand beside me the rest of my life and be my strength when I have none. To be my comforter and my rock. Thank you God for him, thank you for this day, thank you for watching over me, and thank you for my future children! I love you Lord!

<3 Amanda

Make an ovulation ticker

We now have to take a break from trying, it is obviously just not God's timing...hopefully we will resume in a few months, once somethings get straightened out....I will write more about that when I have more courage

God Bless,
Amanda

YAY

So much is going on I am so excited, first we are all moved and are almost all settled, second I am done with Nursing school just have to take NCLEX....,but most exciting news is we are going to start trying again. We want to keep it somewhat hush hush so I can only write it on here for now!! We are scared and nervous but confident and calm!! So please be praying for us

Well tomorrow is the first baby's due date

I really didn't think this one was going to be too hard since I lost the baby really early, but boy was I wrong. What was I thinking signing up to work tomorrow I should have known my heart better. As this days continues and tomorrow grows closesr, I think of all the lost dreams, all that this baby will never have and never get to do. I know that this little one is in heaven and I firmly believe that, but at the same time I still feel saddened that I didn't get to have this little one here on earth. I can imagine how the second ones due date is going to hurt, I do not plan on going anywhere July 18th. Well I guess we will see how tomorrow goes, please keep David and I in your prayers, as we may be starting to try again soon.

God Bless

WOOHOO

I JUST GOT SOME GREAT NEWS!!! I GOT THE JOB/INTERNSHIP AT MEDICAL CITY AS A L&D NURSE!!

MOVING ON....

I am so sick of these hard days, I am sick of being sad, sick of wondering when it will be my turn. I feel so depleted, so empty, I have no energy left. It takes my all to wake up every morning and put a smile on my face. I have a wonderful husband who lets me be sad, who trys to understand my feelings and talks to me about our baby and when to try again. I feel so guilty for being sad, I think to myself how lucky I am to be able to get pregnant on my own, to think that is may be as easy as getting a shot in the hip everyday, but then I think about the loss, can I make it through this again? David worries about the baby and about me, he is scared to try because he doesn't want anything to happen to me.... we have given this to God and we know he is here beside us! I read this bible verse earlier and it really struck me.


"But these things I plan won't happen right away.
Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled.
If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place.
It will not be late by a single day."
~ Habakkuk 2:3

God has a plan for David and I, a plan for us to have a baby...lots of them we just have to wait on his timing....

We feel we want to start trying again in May so please keep us in your prayers!

IN OTHER NEWS: I think we may be moving, from our one bedroom apartment to a two bedroom duplex. We are not quite ready for a house at this point but a duplex sounds perfect for us at this crossroad in our life. It is big enough for both of our dogs and has an extra room, which we are already calling the baby room!! If we get it we would move in around the end of April! I am really excited about that, we outgrew this apartment the day we moved in, so please be praying for us!

God Bless You and Keep You Safe

Hmmmm......

WHAT IS THE DEAL MEDICAL CITY?

THIS IS WHERE I WANT TO WORK WHEN I GRADUATE, IT IS WHERE I WORK CURRENTLY. SO WHAT IS THERE DEAL, ACCTUALLY IT IS ONE WOMAN'S DEAL BUT STILL. I AM SUPPOSED TO HAVE AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW AND WAS SUPPOSED TO FIND OUT A TIME WELL A WHILE BACK, I HAVE EMAILED HER, OCCASIONALLY REMINDING HER I STILL NEEDED A TIME, WELL LATELY IT HAS BEEN ALMOST DAILY, AND STILL AM YET TO HAVE ONE! I ALREADY DID MY APPLICATION AND MY GALLOP SURVEY, SO WHAT IS THE DEAL. CALL ME CRAZY BUT I HAVE NOT APPLIED ANYWHERE ELSE BECAUSE I WAS COUNTING ON THIS, GUESSS I SHOULD SEE WHAT ELSE IS STILL OUT THERE, I JUST DON'T SEE WHAT THE DEAL IS! WELL I WILL KEEP UPDATED HOPEFULLY SHE WILL EMAIL ME BACK BY THE END OF TODAY, I ALSO EMAILED MY BOSS TO SEE IS SHE CAN GET ME IN CONTACT WITH THE FLOOR MANAGER, MAYBE TO GET AN INTERVIEW THAT WAY. WISH ME LUCK AND SAY A PRAYER FOR ME! <-I KNOW IT ISN'T A BIG DEAL TO THAT LADY BUT THIS IS MY FUTURE

RAGE.........

I will be honest I still have my good days and well um my bad days... As crazy as I may sound I have to come clean with myself.


WHY WHY WHY

Why did we have to go through this, twice. I guess I should be so grateful I can get pregnant on my own but on the other hand my body doesn't know what to do once I am. How much does that suck, but I have to tell you a few people have made me extremely mad lately.

This girl that I know who has been married for two years, found out she was pregnant and she had the nerve to say, in front of me, that she was hoping she had cancer. WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS, not only does my BEST FRIEND have breast and liver cancer, I have had two miscarriages, and she would rather have cancer then be pregnant. WOW I just can't imagine thinking that way.

Another girl I know who stuggled to get pregnant is now complaining EVERYDAY that she doesn't want to get big and she doesn't want stretch marks and so on...WHAT THE CRAP she struggled to get pregnant now that she is she thinks what that it is ok to be selfish.

I would give anything to be pregnant still, I would be about 21-22 weeks hmm finding out if it is a boy or a girl.

I will say that having the miscarriage brought my family closer together, it made me more aware how important family is, how lucky I am to have my brothers, it brought me and my husband so much closer together, it made both of us realize what we want in life, it makes us more sensitive to life and just realize how grateful we are to have each other. Although it is hard I know God has a purpose and a plan, and we can't wait to start trying again...

When you may wonder, well we are thinking maybe after my May cycle, we think we are ready but definately taking it day by day. I go back to the doctor end of April or begining of May for a check up then we will also talk about how we are going to approach this next pregnancy. I have to take progesterone shots in the hip AS SOON AS I FIND OUT I AM PREGNANT, so I want to ask her if she is going to go ahead and write us a prescription or if she will call it in the day we find out, or how she plans on preceding. With the next one we will have a lot of early apts. to make sure that our little bean is growing properly and my hormones are rising like they should. Please keep us in your prayers...I haven't decided when we are going to tell people this time, I go back and forth so well we will see.

I know God is forever faithful and I can't wait to see what he has in store for us, and I am thankful for everything that I have learned. Please keep David and I in your prayers. And please continue to pray for Misty her cancer is responding well to chemo she has another PET scan to see if it has shrank anymore on the 17th so hopefully it will....O and her wedding is the 21st YAY I can't wait.

Well until next time...
Much love to all

Amanda Wilson

SCHOOL

WELL I AM OFFICIALLY STRESSED, WE HAVE SO MUCH GOING ON WITH SCHOOL IT IS CRAZY! TOMORROW I HAVE A TEN PAGE PAPER, A TEST, AND A CASE STUDY TO DO, NOT TO MENTION CLINICAL JOURNALS (WHICH IS A BUNCH OF CRAP), AND THE LIST GOES ON AND ON. I HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF THAT I AM ALMOST DONE, OTHERWISE I THINK I WOULD BE GOING CRAZY. BUT THE END IS IN SIGHT AND THAT IS KEEPING ME SANE, I AM SO THANKFUL THAT THIS IS MY LAST SEMESTER, GOD DEFINATELY KNOWS HOW MUCH WE CAN HANDLE.

DAVID AND I ARE DOING GREAT ENJOYING BEING MARRIED AND JUST ENJOYING SPENDING TIME TOGETHER AND GETTING THINGS PAID OFF AND BOUGHT TO PREPARE FOR OUR FUTURE AND OUR FAMILY! HE IS TRULY THE BEST HUSBAND AND I AM SO THANKFUL THAT GOD GAVE HIM TO ME, I AM SO LUCKY! WELL THAT IS ALL FOR NOW BACK TO ALL MY SCHOOL STUFF!! YIKES!!!!!!!!!!

WELL....

I did it, I applied for graduation, it seems crazy like I should have five years left, trust me I am glad this phase of my life is coming to an end but I have enjoyed all the wonderful people I have been introduced to and I honestly can believe how fast time has flown....As for insurance I found out at my work since I have been there for almost six months as soon as I go part time or full time I get insurance, no waiting...so that makes me excited! I am going to talk to my boss about going part time instead of PRN in April as soon as my clinicals are done!! That is all for now I will write more later about how I have been feeling about "baby making" hmm so much to share just not enough time right now!

I pray God bless you, keep you close, and his mighty arms wrapped around you to protect you!

Love
Amanda Wilson <-officially changed it!!

....irritated....

So I am now without insurance, this sucks....I was on my dad's but since I am now married I got dropped and I can't get on David's until open enrollment again in October, and I can't get my own until I go full time...........well there goes babymaking, we planned to wait a couple more months but not as long as we have to now.... I don't want to wait longer......

Thoughts

Monday we went to the doctor for a routine visit, when they did the sonogram they could not find a heartbeat. So on Wednesday we had a D&C, since this is our second miscarriage we start test in February to figure out what is going on. It is the most frightening thing to me, although I hope they find something that is easily fixable. Please continue to read the blog, this is where I plan to share my feelings and what is going on with the tests.


TWO POSITIVES: One we know I get pregnant easily, Two the doctors says my anatomy is perfect, now just to figure out what is goin on.


Why do people who don't deserve kids have them and those who would be great parents struggle? I wonder what God's plan is for us, I know he has one and I know he sees the big picture, but I struggle understanding how us going through two miscarriages is part of that, although I know he does. Baby one left so early that we never saw it on an ultrasound so it wasn't as hard but baby two we saw it, we saw the heartbeat, the little legs, and arms, the little face, we saw it Monday, how much it had grown before its heart stopped beating, I saw my little bean just sitting there, it is the hardest thing I have ever been through. People say o you will be ok, just worry about getting you better. Do they not understand, do they not know how bad it hurts to know that your own body is not allowing a baby to grow, that it is your bodies fault. I am so scared to ever try again, we will I know after they run all the test in February. But what if we have another one, will I be able to recover? I am already a mom and David a dad, we will always be, we have two angels in heaven. And when we do have a baby trust me we will know what a true blessing they are, we will know what a gift from god they are, how lucky you are to have a healthy baby. So those of you who have them be so grateful, and please show them all the love in the world. Raise them right in the word of God because without it life is almost unbearable. The verse David and I keep repeating is: Be Strong and Courageous, Do not be Afraid of them, for the Lord You God will never Leave you, nor Forsake you.

YAY, CHRISTMAS BREAK

So I am officially done with all of my finals!!! I can finally relax and spend some more time with my family and friends! and enjoy CHRISTMAS

Study, Study, Study

I feel like all I do is study, which is true and will continue to be true for the next week, then awe christmas break, where I can enjoy taking a break!! I am so excited that the pregnancy is going so well, no morning sickness just get really nauseated in the evening, and I am so pleased to be getting close to the end of the first trimester only 4 weeks until I am there! It is such a roller coaster ride right now trying to figure out what to do about either staying in the apartment or finding a house, planning everything for the baby, and Christmas! but I wouldn't change it for anything. David and I are enjoying the pregnancy and can't wait to find out if it is going to be Wyatt or Audrey! Well off to study for Adult Health final tomorrow, I wll keep you updated, we go back to the doctor on the 15th!

Hmmm....

about 3 weeks when we found out


7 weeks

I was just sitting here, trying to study and clean, actually I am getting a lot done, but I just wanted to take a moment and think about my little bean. My mind is always going ninty to nothing now thinking about the bean, trying to concentrate on school, and keeping up the house. I wonder if it will be a girl or a boy? Either way as long as it is healthy is more than fine with me! Will they have lots of hair like david and I did, I sure hope so, what will they look like. It is all so amazing to me, I am enjoying this every step of the way and am so excited to think that every hour of every day I have life growing inside of me!

Here is a picture of my belly from when we found out and yesterday at 7 weeks, it is definately expanding fast, but I don't have much room between my ribs and hips for the bean to grow so the only way left is out!!